01.25.2002 - 2:54 p.m.

Procrastinationg again. Isn't this fun?

I have a big weekend coming up- dinner with coworkers, feverish shopping and cleaning, old friend B from old home coming tonight to visit... with the addition of another old friend in the area, plus the roomie and her fiance, will have a full schedule and apartment until Monday or so. Good thing we picked up a couple more glasses at the bar last night, or we'd have been in trouble. (The dish cruncher set a record last time we ran it.)

Have been trading snotty emails with the new tutor guy all week. For whatever that's worth. For whatever else it's worth, I've added him to the list of guys I talk about when people bug me about whether I have any prospects in the love-life area. I still always refer to him as "new tutor guy," though. I guess I don't think he'll be on the list long enough to bother teaching my friends (and mother) his name. Because I either don't consider him a real prospect and just list him as proof that I'm not without options... or I don't want to admit that he IS a prospect because (insert strange, slightly insecure reason(s) here).

This kind of thing is why I stay single. Singleness involves a lot less arguing with different parts of oneself.

This is why, when people ask my romantic status, I tell them I'm "shopping," so the women will laugh at the joke, and the men will step back, just enough. Maybe I use it, just a bit, to avoid a certain amount of soul-searching, but at this point of my life, I'm sort of fine with that. I'll get around to it. And meanwhile, I think I'll pass on all the circular worries and the constant balancing of others' feeling with my own and the just-crashed-car-and-hafta-tell-Dad feeling I get whenever I realize that someone is upset because of me.

My friend M keeps telling me I should get together with someone soon, just to see where it goes. (I don't know that he realizes he's still one of the people on that stupid list...)

What's wrong with being single? With being happy? I used to think it was a no-brainer: having someone was obviously better than having no one. But's not an easy choice this time. For one thing, I have a lot of people, and will have them no matter what, so the equation's a bit different. For another, I have a lot more to lose than I ever had before.

But M is one of my wisest friends, and I believe him. I've grown, I've hurt, I've struggled, and I'm starting to coast again. My old goals aren't so hard to reach anymore; my moral choices are getting a little too easy to really qualify as "moral." I don't want to say this, but, it's time to do something scary.

Oh, man, I hate when I outsmart myself.

-stonebridge

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