02.25.2002 - 2:34 p.m.

I�m feeling very single (the bad kind of single) today, so I�ll warn you all beforehand that a frustrated, sniveling, not-too-coherent rant is in order, and that it may not be pretty. For more entertaining entries, check my older list. Pick one at random.

The indirect cause is M, who had a run-in this weekend with a female friend of his. He said he was raised with too much class to go into details, but that he thinks he�d like to �develop it.� He says that it blindsided him while he was looking the other way, and that the blindsiding was a very good thing.

(rants): Haven�t I been looking the other way for some time now?!? I wanna get blindsided, too.

I suppose that isn�t entirely accurate. I haven�t been actively looking for a few months, not since that last failure of a setup, but I�ve certainly kept my eyes open. I know all of the directions that involve even the slightest chances, and I�ve been watching them all like a fox in a rabbit warren. Not very flattering, but in the silence of my soul I'm having difficulty finding anything kinder that's still honest. Eh. It�s more embarrassing than I thought, to examine one's pathetic obsessions in writing. It's humbling to note that I haven't learned a goddamn thing about anything that matters. But I think it must be done, before I allow my illusions to ruin anything else?

I wanted M to keep to himself for a while. I liked having a guy to be flirty and single with, even (or perhaps especially) if it wasn�t going to lead into anything deeper than friendship. Well okay, I can be honest. I wanted him to be single, or I wanted him to pick me. I just never did anything about it. My holding pattern isn�t just a failure to find opportunities: it�s that when I think of having a guy, I�m at least as scared over what I might lose as I am desperate for what I might gain. So I do nothing, or do a few somethings that I know won�t be at risk of developing... All I want is an almost-perfect someone to sweep me off my feet, to love me first and above all others. If I can get myself blindsided, then I don�t have to do so much of the work. I won't have to take the risks.

Failing that, I just want to stop wanting. I�m so tired of wanting.

(rants): I want a goddamn answer! Any answer! Come on, people, gimme something nice and logical and simple to hide behind�

I want to write someone like this, someone so confused that every other thing they think is a direct contradiction. I think it would be an interesting challenge.

I think too much. I should stop, because I know the more I chew on it, the more likely it is that I�ll work my way into a self-fulfilling prophecy of permanent singlehood and/or unhappiness.

It would be nice and neat to be able to say, I am still single because the men I want are too stupid to want me back. But it�s not about the nature of man. It�s about my recurring and absolute failure to communicate with the nature of man.

-stonebridge

previous | next