07.25.2002 - 2:36 p.m.

Had another late-night talk with a friend of mine. It�s a pretty standard talk. He tells me about the things he wishes he had, and I try to help him distract himself using things he does have. I don�t know that it really works, but I think the effort counts for something. Then I tell him about everything I wish was different in my life, and he tells me that it�s okay, that he has complete and utter faith in me, and that I think too much.

Sometimes I�ll go for variety, and I�ll dump on friend #2, who will tell me that I protect myself too much and that I should practice opening up, or friend #3, who will tell me to quit beating myself up in my head. It depends what I need to hear.

Sometimes instead it will be short acquaintances or strangers, who will have no stock answers, but will occasionally come up with something new to me. Mistakes recur not because you haven�t learned, but instead because there is more than one thing to learn from each. That sort of thing.

Between those four sources, I can usually keep myself out of the deep water. Usually I don�t even need to bother with the serious talks. But every few months, I swing low, and I remember why I need people.

I need them to tell me the things I don�t trust myself to know.

There�s more than that, obviously, but that�s the part I�m interested in exploring at the moment.

Why does that work? Why do I feel better after hearing someone else say the same things I've told myself on a regular basis?

Is it just that it�s coming from someone else? That I trust other people more than I trust myself? Or is it the contact? Maybe it�s not what they say that matters, but the support they�re offering, the validation.

It bothers me that I need periodic doses of it, whatever it is. I should be able to move on, to grow, yes? I should be able to take my own advice, or at least take theirs. Not to need. I hate needing.

(Yes, I am aware that the above paragraph is full of dumb things to say.)

And I should stop using the word �should.� It�s a dangerous word.

This is exactly the kind of stuff I think too much.

-stonebridge

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