11.11.2002 - 11:40 a.m.

I am standing in front of class, talking about something but really paying attention to the single bead of sweat sliding down the hollow of my spine, all the way down because my bra strap doesn�t actually touch the skin just there. That�s the great thing about spines, the way they are slightly sunk between the muscles on either side, so that sweat will not soak through but drain in secret.

I speak too much with my hands. I know this, my hands know this, but still I look down and they are in the middle of a rolling motion that has very little to do with what I am talking about. It has more to do with an attempt to move myself, as if the rolling motion of my hands could draw out and organize the progression of my thoughts.

I am not scared of the people anymore. I don�t think they judge me or dislike me or wish I would go away, even though it is Monday on a college campus at 9:20 in the morning. I think they are more or less here because they want to learn stuff, and I think I have something important to teach them.

But I can�t speak straight in front of people. It only comes out in halting bits. I hate this part of things, moving everything straight from mind to mouth with no stopovers, no time to filter for the best order of words. The real, most basic problem is that I think in loops and branches, but I have to speak in lines, logical lines because I have something important to teach them, and it is my job and responsibility to teach them, and somehow along the way I�ve decided it will be my fault if they don�t learn, even at 9:20 on a Monday on a rainy college campus.

But I am not scared of the people anymore, and that much is good progress.

-stonebridge

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