01.01.2003 - 12:37 p.m.

Sunrise this morning was not really sunrise, on account of the rain. Really rain, hard enough that I had the windshield wipers full on.

I do not know that I will ever be the sort of person who gets up for sunrises. I mostly only see them from staying up through the other side, but I like them. They are a wonderful cap to an evening.

Anyway. So the sun was a little shy, but it made the clouds and the roads and especially the puddles this really neat periwinkle, which went really well with the yellowish of the leftover streetlights. Pretty things make it easier to think, I've noticed.

And it is now January 1, 2003, because I slept for three hours, (Everybody knows it's never the next day until after you sleep, right?) but about all I can say about the new year so far is that I'm rather tired of vacation. I ran out of amusing, lazy, or money-wasting things to do, and I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.

Also, I can't wait to get out of the social reach of my ex. He was at the party last night, and at the gathering two days ago, and the rockclimbing trip before that. And it was okay. I mean, we are able to act as mature, social adults in front of one another. It is just, well, yeah. He is the ex. And any time I am around him, I always have to be thinking, hmm, how would I act towards this person if he weren't THAT person? which means that I basically end up treating him like a stranger, and also that I cannot relax for the duration of his time in my space.

And there is still all the other stuff one thinks while driving exhausted through morning rain. I'm learning the streets of College Park, and of Annapolis, and of Laurel, and at that rate, soon I will know all of Maryland, and I will not live in St. Mary's anymore. I'll live on futons and other people's couches and beds. I'll live in the spaces of lives other people have made. Life is like that, uncertain and half-done and frustrating even as the process of it grabs me, even knowing that if I could ever be done looking it would just be...the end. So I can't possibly want what I'm always looking for.

But that's the funny thing about January 1, now isn't it. It always feels remarkably like the day before.

If I made resolutions for the year, I might say something about budgeting, or keeping track of people, or learning to let everything in, but I stopped making those things years ago, when I noticed that I generally not only break them by the end of January, but also forget entirely what they were by halfway through February. Change is an ongoing process, anyway, and I am mostly already working on what needs to be done.

If today felt any different, any simpler, it would only interrupt me, right?

-stonebridge

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