11.30.2006 - 11:55 a.m.

Today, the first thing I did was get up early to prepare for the class I had to teach. Then I went to leave, only to realize that my brain had substituted the class's start time for my works start time, and that my class had already started.

I sat down on the bottom stair and called myself all sorts of ugly names. Then I called my mom, who I talked to for almost three hours because really, once you've completely failed to show up for the class you teach, why bother being at work on time, either?

I want to know the secret to seeing these things coming, beforehand. When my room is a mess and I haven't written in months, I'm a depressive, self-critical wreck. This is not news to me, so why do I ever let it happen? Why not just take the steps to clean my living space and be periodically creative?

Why do I ever stop keeping iCal up to date, when I know that I only screw up when I don't have it all nice and color-coded?

Why, why, why? Alternatively, why won't anyone else just get it over with and call me a failure so I can stop trying to be so perfect all the time? I'm starting to think I'd like that.

-stonebridge

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