01.18.2007 - 10:36 a.m.

Always, always, I am fascinated by the clear-spoken, professionally smooth, previously nonexistent part of me that is actually *being* comfortable in front of all those people.

Always, always, the rest of me is focused entirely on the sweat rolling down the hollow of my spine, slowly, down, down to the waistband of my pants, almost tickling, the metallic coolness of evaporation following it. Like I've been running. When I get home and change into lounging gear, I'll get a sour whiff of panic as I pull my top off over my head.

I wish I could like that smell. I wish I got high on scary things, or from pushing myself to new accomplishment, but I don't. I want only what I enjoy. My want keens for relief in every non-indulgent moment.

Of which there are many, in this job, in this life.

-stonebridge

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