Some things aren't true until you say them...

06.26.2008 - 7:54 p.m.

Sometimes, on a hard day, I stay locked in my office when I should go home, and I search the internet for the hardest things I can find. I look for the blogs of people who have been dealt terrible blows, and I read them, not backwards like I used to, but from first entry to last. I will read until my glasses are specked with dried salt, and I am wrung absolutely dry.

I read things like this. Or like this.

At first I thought I was trying to numb myself, to make myself know that my life is pretty damned good, you idiot, so go and appreciate it already. Perhaps I was using these stricken people as schadenfreude, and I should be ashamed. But that wasn't it.

Then, I thought I was trying to learn about grief, and about mourning. About how to lose something the people around you don't understand how you miss as sharply as you do. But that wasn't it either, or at least, not entirely.

I think what I am really reading for, what I am really crying for, is faith. I desperately want to learn, need to know, how to have faith.

-stonebridge

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