08.24.2008 - 5:53 p.m.

I had half a post written in my head by the time I fell asleep. Let�s see what remains.

Yesterday there was a party at my friends� house up north. It went all afternoon and evening; two to two. This is how it always goes, with them. There is food, and liquor, and BYOB. There is a big screen for Wii, a screened-in porch for card games (with two tables, one for a highbrow games, the other for lowbrow ones, usually involving slapping the table in some way), a pool and a hot tub, and a hole in the backyard perfect for starting a bonfire. I always have a great time at these parties. I see the people I always see, and the people I never do, and usually meet a person or two that I never have. I drink, and play games, and laugh, and pet their skittish Great Dane, Sasha.

This time, though, I am alone, since the husband doesn�t get off work until late. It becomes, in my mind, one of the unending social events I used to take myself to when I was single. It becomes a hard thing, to know that I will have to keep myself entertained and interested when there is some chance that a stranger or two will be there. It becomes impossible to think that I can handle playing extrovert alone, for so long. It is a stupid reaction to have, and I know it� I am not alone. Most of my friends will be there. But nevertheless, it is the reaction I have, and I put off driving up for a long time.

There are strangers there when I arrive, more than usual. I�ve missed most of my better friends. But I hop into a game of Mario Kart, I get a plate of cooling food and sit out on the deck to talk with the smokers. I go back into the porch for a round of Uno and a highball. I meet a few new people and manage not to act like a wilting introvert flower. Later, I join the companionable, mesmerized conversation around the bonfire. I have a good time, like I always do, like the better parts of me knew I would. I am even good company.

I look around me, that night and every day, and the world is full of people who would call themselves happy. There are people who know what they want, and so go and get it; there are people content with the lot they�ve been given; there are people who do not pull themselves up short at every opportunity. There are people who are sure their future is bright.

Why is that so hard for me?

-stonebridge

previous | next