02.03.2005 - 1:53 p.m.

The last three days of my life have all been in my head. This is not to say that I have imagined them--they have been very real. They have been in my head in the sense that they have throbbed in the back and pinched at the front, occasionally meandering through a sinus or two, or visiting my stomach with just a touch of nausea. They have been in my head because I've been unable to concentrate on anything else.

I had forgotten how exhausting pain can be. I get home and go directly to bed and tv, I get nothing done, and even though I've been waking up fine--it builds gradually, beginning around lunchtime and peaking around seven or eight--getting out of bed has become one of my great accomplishments of each day. On the order of finishing that novel I never started. I am serious.

I think partially it's tension, in a feedback loop. Headache causes tension, tension causes headache. I don't know what started the first one.

Maybe it is money--how to pay for this or that, and how the hell did my cell phone bill get that high, and so on. Or maybe it is that everything is still, always up in the air. Unfinished. Stalled. Waiting.

It is pulling at my temples now. I am afraid of how I will feel later tonight.

I just want it to stop.

-stonebridge

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