03.01.2007 - 3:27 p.m.

I am showered, brushed, dressed in sharp navy slacks and a tan sweater that makes my eyes seem more interestingly gray than they actually are. My ears sparkle with silver studs. I smell nice.

My fingertips throb, the nails chewed beyond the skin, proof that the rest is a fa�ade.

I can�t open shampoo the right way anymore. Oranges are hopeless. I screamed when I took out the trash and I brushed against the lid the wrong way. Typing aches. Temperature change hurts. The cold of the steering wheel made my thumb bleed.

In high school I used to keep my fists in my pockets. Fists, because you can�t put a chewed hand in a pocket flat�leading with your fingers hurts too much. I used to chew my toenails, too. Right after showers, mostly, but still. Never could wear Tevas until they were no longer cool.

I�d forgotten how much I liked pain, little sparks of it to go with everything, all day, all without guilt because whatever I�m not managing to cope with, see? I�m paying already.

The real issue, of course, is that I have hot tub syndrome. And I suppose that�s not a standard term, so let me explain. A friend of mine once had, as a life goal, to have a house with a hot tub. I think it must have started as a joke, but it grew until it really was that important to him. Then, once he had a house with a hot tub, he realized the folly of setting such low standards. What the hell do you do with yourself when you�ve achieved your life�s goal at 23?

Well, you get yourself together, move on, and have a baby, is what you do. Now, I bet he doesn�t have time for life goals, which is probably healthier anyway.

Me, I�d love to own a hot tub, but I�m not unbalanced over the idea. My insufficiently thought out life goal was, apparently, to fall in love and get married. Because once you do that, the hard part of life is over, right? You suddenly become June Cleaver and you adore doing dishes and you can quit your day job and you climax at the very thought of your husband and you live happily ever after and

Yeah, okay.

-stonebridge

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