01.16.2002 - 3:57 p.m.

I should not be writing this. I should be writing up the handouts I'll need for my meeting tomorrow, or contacting all the faculty members who might want to utilize my new and improved services, or starting on the next set of portfolio templates, or...

On the other hand, it's equally true that I should be heading West on a two-lane highway somewhere in the midwest, launching paper airplanes made of atlas pages out of my car window as I wait for the light to turn.

I apologize. That was a bit heavy on the symbolism.

I've been wondering (again) lately about the differences in people. What makes a leader. Why some people, basically ordinary in other aspects, for some reason fascinate the rest of us. Why a not-too-attractive, middle-aged beanpole of a man can enter a classroom and have a roomful of college freshmen eating out of his hand five seconds later. Why every girl in high school was every guy's second choice, after a short, immature, impulsive female with koolaid hair and serious issues.

Why rock stars.

I am not, and will never be, one of those people. Because I don't understand, and because I keep trying to. I suspect that being that way is not something that lends itself to logical comprehension; it just is. And I'm just not.

I like to hang around the edges of the crowds, to watch these people affect the room around them in almost-visual ripples. I have known many, some very well, but somehow I have never thought of any of them as my friends. I admire their honesty, their freedom. I use their utter self-confidence as both hope and goal. I envy their blindness to how they do what they do. Watching them, I wish for so many things. I always leave sad, and I always come back for more.

I am not (really) too disappointed. I enjoy my life, and I wouldn't necessarily enjoy one of theirs. I am good at being who I am: someone who thinks a lot, who listens a lot, who is most comfortable in the quiet corners of life, and who only leads when it's Important. When I really, truly know what it is I am doing. The golden boys and girls of the world need people like me.

I wonder if they see themselves as I do. What parts of themselves they run from. I often try, but I can't even imagine what they think of life.

I don't like this entry. I can feel it sliding past point after point, never really balancing on anything particularly true. Certainly nothing new. I still don't understand.

So I think I'll end with a toast: To the ones everybody loves and nobody gets. You don't know who you are, but the rest of us do.

-stonebridge

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