06.23.2002 - 10:29 a.m.

The best thing about really old friends, the kind that understands you in spite of yourself, is that if what you need is a smack in the jaw for thinking like an idiot, they will cheerfully administer it.

�It�s not your job to make sure everyone is okay. That�s� arrogant. You can�t beat yourself up about everything that happens around you.� This was said quite strongly, and it was only the beginning of a spirited ten-minute lecture. I wasn't even allowed to speak until she was done.

I feel that I�ve demonstrated pretty conclusively that I can, in fact, beat myself up about everything. But I did get the point. There is something about hearing your words from another�s mouth that highlights the logical flaws.

My least favorite moments in life are the ones when you realize you�ve somehow fallen back into the same exact situations and thought patterns you swore you would die before repeating. Looking back, you can even notice the little steps that got you back there. You remember that at the time, each of them seemed so reasonable, so progressive. Even though you�d gone that way before, even though you knew it didn�t help, you found new reasons to go back.

This life is short enough without wasting time on lessons I might�ve picked up on the first time. Mistakes are good for your soul, but repeating them... leaves you with a sour feeling in the back of your throat. I already know how to do better than this.

So I am done. I�ve started looking for a new mistake, a spiffy, top-of-the-line model with lots of shiny chrome and pretty colored buttons with no labels.

A person�s one sacred duty in life is to play with the unlabeled buttons.

-stonebridge

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