01.22.2003 - 2:46 p.m.

Convoluted. Bear with me.

My father is a physicist, he says because he has a certain fascination with truth. He likes being able to take some three or four basic equations and describe what�s really there. He likes the idea of an absolute truth from which all other truths are derived, the idea that there is always an answer to the question, �What is this?�

I look for truths, too, but instead of looking for all the what�s-there, like my father, I have always wanted to know why. Why I am who I am, why there is a flash of green at sunset, why there is always a pattern in chaos.

Because if you know why something, you know how it fits into the world. You have the information you need to make the right decisions about it. Knowing�or at the very least, guessing�why has been the basis for every decision I�ve ever made.

Unfortunately, it�s become quite clear that despite my constant examination of everything, I still don�t know why anything at all. But I recently noticed that I�ve never known why not, either. I�ve never tried thinking in terms of �why not� before. So it�s been getting harder and harder to remember why the not knowing should get in the way of whatever I want to do, because if there is no solveable �why� anyway, what is there to justify a �should�?

And you have absolutely no idea how uncomfortable it makes me to even consider that aspect of the world's truth.

-stonebridge

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