02.06.2007 - 12:45 p.m.

I had the worst nightmare last night. I was on a reality TV show with this guy I used to crush on in college.

�That wasn�t the nightmare. That was the setup.

Anyway, there was a tornado warning, so we were huddled together in this bathtub in the basement. Kissing occurred. I�m not sure how, in the same way I�m not sure how I kissed half the boys I kissed in grade school�he was attracted, I was attracted, and that was enough of a reason to make it inevitable. And hell, there was a tornado coming. We could die.

The nightmare part was after that, when the threat had passed, and the reality people got ready to air the episode. When I realized my husband (who, in the dream world, had not existed until this moment) would be in the audience, and I could do nothing about it.

There is nothing in these words to explain how gut-wrenching this was. You must understand that I woke shaking. That he got up to go to work, said �I love you,� and I said �I love you too,� still half in the dream, thinking for sure he would know before he came home, and I would lose everything in my life that matters.

Everything in my life that matters. By my own unthinking fault.

I don�t know who to ask, or how to pray for it, but of all the things I screw up, please, please, let it not be this. Let it not be us. Let it not be him.

-stonebridge

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