02.15.2007 - 2:01 p.m.

The following is an accurate representation of last night, although the format has been copied from one of those irritating forwarded emails I saw a few years ago.

How to medicate your cat:

1) Stealthily gather the syringes, towels, and bandaids you need.
2) Find cat.
3) Bandage hand.
4) Dig under the bed for cat, dragging him out by whatever body part you manage to snag first.
5) Bandage wrist.
6) Carry cat to towel; wrap tightly around cat.
7) Save bandaging chest for later. Discard shredded towel, get another.
8) Repeat steps 2-7 until cat is tired.
9) Hold wrapped cat like a football; pry open side of his mouth with the end of the syringe. Shoot medicine down his throat.
10) Use one of the shredded towels to sop up the medicine that is now all over your lap. Bandage thumb. Retrieve cat, wrap him so tightly he can barely breathe.
11) Reload syringe. Repeat step 9, a little bit faster and a little bit worse.
12) Decide that getting the medicine all over the cat is good enough, since he�ll eventually lick himself there anyway.
13) Bandage chest. Discard shredded shirt. Eat something sweet to make up for the blood loss.

How to medicate your dog:

1) Wrap pill in cheese.
2) Make him beg.

On a related note, it turns out that the liquid I�m stuffing down my beloved feline tastes like ear wax. No wonder he wants nothing to do with it.

-stonebridge

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